my dream

I had a dream last night.  A vivid one.

That's noteworthy, because I don't remember my dreams.  I remember maybe 3 or 4 per year.  But this one I remember.

It was vivid, not in the sense that I can remember every detail, but in the sense that I can remember deeply feeling something, and I can remember the reason that I felt that way.  I think that's what is so amazing about dreams... you can get a very real sense of what something would feel like without really having to experience it.

So, in my dream, I remember coming completely undone.  Like sobbing on the floor undone.  And it was public, too.  Like, people were watching me, and I knew that they were watching me, but I had lost all control over my emotions.

And there was some type of build up to this.  Some conversation I was having started out normally... then escalated into an argument, then into a heated argument, ending with me lying on the floor, curled up, sobbing.

I was feeling like I had reached my absolute end.  I was tapped out.  I was tired of fighting.  I completely gave into a feeling of utter desperation and sadness.

Pretty graphic picture, huh?

And it would be very unlike me to ever do something like that, or consider something like that.  You know... there are people that you think might do something like that.  Edgy people, anxious people, people with an extremely artistic disposition.  But it would be so unlike me.

Is it representative of my life right now?  I don't feel like it.  Is there something going on in life that is giving rise to this?  Not that I can think of.  Is it a prophecy or prediction of what is to come if I don't change some patterns?  Maybe.

Maybe.

All I know is that I don't want to feel like that or get to that place, ever.  I'm gonna have to do some praying and asking about what this dream means.

I read a book one time that said that dreams can be a window to the soul - that sometimes our dreams help us to see something going on deep inside of us that we could not otherwise see.  I think in this case that might be true.  Something about it resonates.  I just can't quite place it.

I think that God is using it, too.  It's not giving rise to fear or to anxiety about my future.  But it is causing me to be introspective, and to invite him to enlighten me.  And that's always, always a good thing.